The original acts of colonization and violence broke the world, broke our hearts, broke the connection between soul and flesh. For many of us, this trauma happens again in each generation
Me: “Do you wanna see Philip Glass in concert?”
Jeremy: “Um.” Me (interrupting): “Do you wanna see Philip Glass in concert?”
Jeremy: “Um.” Me (interrupting): “Do you wanna see Philip Glass in concert?”
Jeremy: “Um.” Me (interrupting): “Do you wanna see Philip Glass in concert?”
(We high five.)
Later
Jeremy: “There’s some kind of shriveled, wizened, dead thing on the soap dish.”
Me: “It’s goat’s milk soap, from Wellstone.”
Jeremy: “It’s definitely dead.”
Me: “It’s artisanal.”
Jeremy: “Maybe there’s some really great-looking soap out partying somewhere, and this is the soap of Dorian Gray?”
Me: “That joke never gets old.”
sin x2 had said, They’re our Kel. Someone should be with them at the end, even if they never know or understand. Then the others, realizing it would not be dissuaded, left it alone. sin x2 wasn’t under any illusions that the hive Kel cared about it except as an instrument for necessary chores, and sometimes unnecessary ones. It knew that the hivemind became less and less sane with each passing year. Nevertheless, it considered itself Kel. Someone from its enclave should honor Kel Command’s passing.
In May, the tech industry and I parted ways under circumstances I am contractually obligated to describe as mutual. Ever since, I’ve been having the greatest summer of my life. The bestie and I drove out to the eastern Sierras to see the wild mustang herds that live up around the Montgomery Pass. The high desert was hock-deep in wildflowers, and we spent three hours one sunny afternoon sitting on a hillside watching the wild horses fight and fuck. Mono Lake looks like the surface of another, possibly better planet, and asks to be further explored.
Then I won a residency at a writer’s center down in Santa Cruz and spent a week alone in a cabin on the edge of the redwoods. There were hummingbirds and mule deer and quail. I’d wake at 6 or 7 as usual, then read for a couple of hours, then have coffee and maybe go for a hike. Then, with only short breaks for meals, I’d draft scenes or type them up until late in the evening. When I got stuck, I’d copy out poems by hand.
I realized that, for longer than I can remember, I have been in an antagonistic relationship with time: late for work, behind on deadlines, scrambling to make as many memories with my kids and parents as I possibly could. Suddenly the days roll out before me, not as ordeals to be endured, but as hours for creative work, hours to hang around with the girls and Jeremy (without whom none of this would be possible), hours to spend at the barn, hours to binge on books.
I always regretted not taking real bereavement leave after Mum and then Dad died. I guess I’m doing it now, just a couple of years late. A friend said: “Your voice sounds lighter.” Idleness becomes me.
It seems sad, but when men leave, the more they leave, the less their leaving means. Some leave before they leave, and others absent themselves without ever leaving. Some were never there to begin with — markers of men who took up the space where a real man should be: Father, Uncle, Minister, Mentor
Jedao had a standard method for dealing with new commanders, which was to research them as if he planned to assassinate them.
Someday someone might come up with a better government, one in which brainwashing and the remembrances’ ritual torture weren’t an unremarkable fact of life. Until then, he did what he could.
The girl became a television star and was to be seen every day on the screens in Rio. This was a kind of happy ending, and the girl certainly thought so, at least at the beginning of her career: when she was older she was not so sure.
She is still small and scared and ashamed, and perhaps I am writing my way back to her, trying to tell her everything she needs to hear.
As a heartless killing machine, I was a terrible failure.
Mates mean you’ve settled, made your bargain: this, wherever you are together, this is as far as you’re going, ever. This is your stop; this is where you get off.
My happiness is not in the best interest of their stockholders. We are commodities now, we are the down payment on some CEO’s waterfront property. We are making another album.
People you knew when you were teenagers, the ones who saw your stupidest haircut and the most embarrassing things you’ve done in your life, and they still cared about you after all that: they’re not replaceable, you know?
…either everything we want is weird, or nothing is.
…if they get too close together, they get a buff called Sisterhood, which heals them.
The Rebel Within, a savory muffin from Craftsman and Wolves
Bacon and soft boiled egg brioche from Tartine Manufactory
Rocket Man, an arugula, garlic, chili and egg pizza from PizzaHacker
Salmon Egg Bowl from Samovar Yerba Buena and bonus Egg Jar from Samovar Mission
“Remember, if he does anything else that makes you uncomfortable, I will rip his head off and play soccer with it. I would do that for you.”
“Yeah, Claire. Mama would play SOCCER for you.”
“It’s the people being unexpectedly kind to me that make me cry.”
“They’re all just returning kindnesses you’ve shown them.”
“Shut up. I’m a surly nerd amnesiac super-soldier assassin. We’ve been OVER this.”
“Yes, and Bucky Barnes doesn’t get a wobbly chin looking at the pictures in the museum.”
“Listen, I didn’t come here to be SEEN and ACCEPTED UNCONDITIONALLY, what is this, SAN FRANCISCO?”
“This is literally just a kick drum and a synth.”
“In the nineties we didn’t have any musical instruments.”
“Yes you did.”
“We had two skateboards in the entire world. We had to share.”
“Mama.”
“There were only eleven of us.”
“And you were all green.”
“Yes. We were all green.”
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